I like the idea of the universe being a place of chaos and chance. To me, it lends deeper sincerity to the ideas of Free Will and that life can only be as good as you make it. It also makes me feel better about my place in the world. If it was not left to chance that I would be born to a middle class family in Laveen, AZ, instead of, perhaps, a fairytale monarchy, I might wish whoever was in charge of deciding my fate would have a better sense of humor. Since the universe is chaotic and it was purely chance that I was born me and not anyone else, I've had to make the best of what small piece of the universe I exist in. This means making choices and living the consequences of my choices and those of others, both for better and worse.
I've made some good choices along the way. I've stood up for what I believed was right, I've taken risks, I've picked myself up and tamed the horse when I've been thrown. I've started my whole life over more than once, when it would have been easier to let myself become a statistic of "bad circumstances." I married Stephen. I have two beautiful children. I live in one of the most beautiful places on Earth.
But I've also made some poor choices, some of which I may continue to pay for the rest of my life. The point is, they have all been my choices. To decide not to own my behavior is to decide that my Free Will is meaningless and without responsibility. I am not a rat in a maze, merely pushing the bar for pellets and taking whatever is given me; I am a complex human being, full of hopes, desires, passion, feelings, ideas, and thoughts. I am capable of most any good or foul deed I set my mind to.
A few days ago, I posted to Facebook an open admission of guilt to having an extramarital affair. Some of you were horrified that I would share something so publicly. Why would I air our dirty laundry in such a way? Why wouldn't this situation be dealt with in therapy and with private conversations? And why in the world would I want everyone to know what a terrible thing I had done? Well, I've had a lot of time to think about why over these last days and here's what I can tell you:
First of all, Stephen asked me to. He needed me to perform an act of contrition, one that would show him that I was serious about making the effort that would be required of me, should we decide to continue our marriage. He also needed a way to know that I had completely flushed out all the lies. He needed me to show him I had nothing left to hide.
We needed a fresh start. Don't get me wrong, I love all of you (if I didn't, I wouldn't even be addressing any of this), but I've been caught in the rumor mill before. The last thing either Stephen or I needs is any of those sideways glances and whispers of "Did you hear...?" behind our backs. It's out in the open. It came from the horse's mouth. No one can dispute that. Additionally, it makes it easier for those of you who wish to approach either or both of us with concern or sympathy or whatever to do exactly that. The topic has already been opened, the elephant in the room isn't so big or claustrophobic this way, and I hope that if there are any questions or thoughts remaining about this, that you would bring them directly to us. It's better for everyone if we are allowed the opportunity to speak for ourselves.
I want to thank everyone who commented, messaged, and phoned us. I want to thank those of you who offered hugs or silent support because you didn't know what to say. I want to thank you, because it's your faith in us that makes each day a little easier. Marriage takes more than two people, it takes a community of love and understanding and I'm humbled and honored to be in such company as all of you.
As a final note, I want to add one thought. Stephen and I have a mountain before us to conquer and I think we'll succeed. The fact is, it took both of us to fall so low and it's going to take both of us to scale to new heights. We know this and we're preparing for the journey. We have loving families and amazing friends, we have compassionate children who bring us perspective and we are in therapy, but most of all, we have each other and we have hope.
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